


Those Three Words

by alexenange



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Crying, Cunnilingus, Emotions, Established Relationship, Explicit Consent, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Making Love, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Scars, Self-Harm, Trans Male Alexander, Trans Male Character, a little bitta angst, be warned, but happy crying, its all smut and feelings, not rly angst tho more like comfort ish ? cause like past pain current floof, really emotional sex, really tho this is just a lot of emotions and really sappy sex that it thats the fic, seriously this sex is just really fucking emotional and so am i, so just, this does focus heavily on past self harm and has a lot to do with those scars, well like bittersweet crying sorta you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-15 00:22:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7197563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexenange/pseuds/alexenange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yeah honestly this is just John and Alexander having sex for the first time and having a lot of feelings idk what to say guys</p>
            </blockquote>





	Those Three Words

**Author's Note:**

> Yet again I'm gonna warn people-- this fic deals a lot with self harm scars. No acts of self harm nor any detail about what it was, but there are scars, and references to past self-loathing. Also, Alexander is a trans boy, but he is comfortable enough with his body to have sex with John, but if that gives you second-hand dysphoria (which I get sometimes so you know I get it) just keep that in mind.  
> Oh and they should be using a dental damn or smt for oral but this is essentially plotless so we're just gonna say that they're both tested and safe. Be safe y'all.

Alexander had three words carved into the inside of his left thigh. John swallowed when he saw the pale scars, his heart breaking when he read them. Alexander shifted, his uncharacteristic self-consciousness obvious and awkward. His leg twitched on reflex when John’s fingers flitted softly over the words, gently tracing them.

_ NOT GOOD ENOUGH. _

It was jagged and rough, and John could tell that Alexander’s hands must’ve been shaking when he carved it into his thigh. He felt Alexander continue to squirm, crossing his arms in front of his bare chest, looking around the room, anywhere but John. His skin was flushed, and he looked like he would cry.

Gently, John touched his face. Alexander flinched at first, but leaned into the palm of John’s hand. He turned Alexander’s head and tilted it to kiss him, slow, and deep, and gentle. John hoped his kiss would make Alexander feel just how much he was loved.

“God I love you, Alexander.” He mumbled against Alexander’s lips.

Alexander’s hand tugged on John’s hair, and he let out a breathy whine. “John… I… That was from a long time ago,”

“I know.” John cupped Alexander’s face, and Alex put his hand over his, keeping it there. “I know baby, I just… I love you. You know that, right?”

He chuckled. “You only say it about seventeen times a day.”

“It’s not enough.” John pressed their foreheads together. “I’ll never be able to say I love you enough.”

“Fucking sap.” Alexander let out a tiny laugh, but a tear rolled down his cheek. John wiped it off with his thumb, even though he knew Alex wasn’t crying out of sorrow.

“I love you.” He kissed Alexander, pulling back after a moment to kiss down his jaw, down his neck, murmuring “I love you, I love you, I love you,” into his skin. Alexander’s hand in John’s hair tightened as he began to kiss down his chest, lowering himself back down between Alexander’s legs. He ran a hand down the back of Alexander’s thigh, feeling the bumps of perfectly parallel scars, tiny, two-inch lines running across his skin. Alexander had marks written into his body like ladders, each one perfectly in place.

John turned, and kissed the inside of his thigh, feeling Alexander’s breath hitch. He gently traced his lips over the words, sucking on the junction where the point of the ‘G’ crossed through the end of a line, nipping at the point where they all converged just to hear Alexander’s low moan.

He sucked a dark mark onto the inside of Alexander’s thigh, whining softly when he pulled softly on John’s hair. He kissed up Alexander’s thigh and hip, nipping softly just above the elastic band of his boxers. He gasped, and his hip jolted up just a tiny bit. John kissed the band, looking up through his eyelashes just to make sure this was ok. Alexander was breathing heavily, flushed from his cheeks to his shoulders. His hair was a mess, and he licked his red lips as he nodded, hand tightening in his hair, urging him on.

John kissed every centimeter of skin as he slowly slid off Alexander’s boxers, stopping to suck at the spot in his soft hips where the bone was just barely visible as he pulled them completely off Alexander.

“John…” He looked up when he heard Alexander whisper his name. His head was tilted back, and his eyes had fluttered shut. His chest was heaving, and every breath he took was let out with a tiny, shuddering gasp. John smirked against his skin and kissed down his happy trail. This, he knew, he was good at.

Alexander whined sharply and jolted when John kissed his clit. John grinned and sucked it, feeling Alexander’s thighs twitch as he tried to keep his hips from bucking into John’s mouth. He let out broken, desperate moans. John felt shivers run down his body at the sounds, his cock thickening in his boxers as he ate Alexander out.

Alexander shouted when John slid a finger inside of him, his arm flying up to cover his mouth. John pulled back, slowly climbing over Alexander until they were chest to chest, his cock resting against Alex’s thigh. Alexander moved his leg to press against him and John shuddered, moaning loudly. He kissed at Alexander’s jaw, nipping, sure to leave a mark.

“Don’t cover your mouth, baby. I want to hear you.” He whispered into the skin just under Alexander’s ear, kissing it when Alex nodded and took his hand down, grabbing the sheets and clutching them. He whined loudly as John slid down and took his clit into his mouth again.

John became conscious that he was rubbing against the sheets, hips rocking on sheer need. He wasn’t thinking of it, he wasn’t thinking of anything beyond Alexander’s taste, but he felt the rolls of pleasure running through his body. He added a second finger, heart beating faster with every moan and whine Alex let out. The hand was in his hair again, scratching at his scalp, tugging desperately.

“J- John, I--” His hips jolted, and he moaned loudly, panting hard. “John I’m--”

John looked up at him, just for a second, moaning into Alexander when he met his eyes. His grip on Alexander’s hip tightened, his hand working to find that spot inside of him, the one that would have him shouting John’s name. He kept licking and sucking at his tender skin, on his clit, inside of him, his own world hazy with lust and pleasure. He felt Alexander’s orgasm, felt him tremble and quiver, felt him shudder. He felt Alexander’s hand tilt John’s head up, angling it sharply as he bucked into his mouth. John drank in every twitch and thrust, never stopping what he was doing. Alexander wasn’t shouting, instead he was moaning so low John could barely hear it, moaning John’s name and strings of curses and what sounded like prayers in Spanish and French. John reached down and palmed himself, moaning loudly at the contact he finally felt. He was wet with precome, already on the edge just from watching Alexander come undone. He didn’t even bother taking off his boxers as he came, letting the come stick against the fabric. When they both came down from the pleasure high, he rested his head on Alexander’s hip, slowly pulling out his fingers, Alexander’s thighs trembling slightly as he did so. He moved so he was mostly on top of Alex, kissing him lazily. They rolled just enough so they were both on their sides, holding each other closer than should be comfortable with the sweat on their bodies and the stink of sex in the air.

“I love you.” John murmured into Alexander’s shoulder. “I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you too.” John pulled back to look at Alexander, kissing him chastely and resting their foreheads together.

“You’re so beautiful, Alexander.”

For the first time, Alex didn’t give him any protest, instead resting his head in the crook of John’s neck and smiling into his collarbone.

**Author's Note:**

> Idk how this even happened tbch I just got really emotional and wanted to write rly emotional sex, so, yeah, that happened. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS OK
> 
> @ the sibs if u ever read this-- I am so sorry jesus christ I juST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
> 


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